I don’t know if you guys have been following the news lately (I admittedly stay away as much as I can) but there have been some pretty major protests at college campuses nationwide. The Israel/Palestine conflict has dominated the news cycle for quite some time now but the spotlight has recently been on pro-Palestine protests on college campuses.

The protesters at Columbia University, in my own city, have been the most talked about group by a wide margin. However, yesterday it was UNC-Chapel Hill that was the viral protest of the day. Not because they occupied a building or started a big fire, but because of the unique group of individuals that countered their protest.

That’s right, folks. It was a collection of frat bros that took down a Palestinian flag and re-hung the American flag on UNC’s campus. They then defended the flag from protesters who attempted to take it back down.

These bros ended up going viral, especially on right-wing Twitter, for their defense of the American flag. Someone then decided to launch a GoFundMe on behalf of the brothers of Pi Kappa Phi so that they could throw a rager. This GoFundMe has now racked up over $100,000 in donations…

Now, I am not here to discuss who is right and who is wrong in this situation. To be frank, when I was in college you could not find me at any kind of protest or counter-protest because I was too dumb to even consider that I knew what the correct side of an issue like this was, let alone passionate enough to get involved in the mayhem we’ve been seeing across America. I have my opinions now, but those are not for strangers on the internet.

Where I can use my past perspective to weigh in on this situation, is what the hell these bros are going to do with this $100,000. I’m sure things are vastly different now from my college days but I am still less than a decade removed from being in a fraternity at a large southern school myself. I do have some ideas of how these guys could/should spend this money…

75,000 Natty Lights

No rager would be complete without an obscene amount of Natty Light and with the attention this rager will get, you are gonna need to go above and beyond. Assuming the average 30-rack of Natty goes for around $20, you can get 2,500 30-racks (75,000 beers).

Some people might call it excessive to spend $50,000 of your budget on Natty Light but you need to take into account that this rager might get legit national media attention. This is not the type of party where 30 minutes in you start texting every girl in your contacts that it’s “super dope” and she should “come and bring all your friends” (the biggest indication that a party is indeed not dope).

This is going to be the rager of the decade at UNC and will require plenty of ammo for shotgunning, dunkaroos, pants beers, etc. in addition to normal drinking beers. Don’t be afraid to go big in the beer department.

200 pounds of ice

At any good college gas station, you should be able to get a 10-pound bag of ice for $2. That means you’ll be spending $200 on ice. No, I didn’t do my math wrong, I know that comes out to only 100 pounds of ice. The #1 rule of thumb when it comes to buying ice in bulk is that you take two bags for every bag you pay for. It’s just frozen water, it should be free anyway.

This might seem excessive but even this might not be enough. This will be a rager in May weather in North Carolina which means ice melts fast. With the number of people coming, you will also need multiple pledge-made palette/tarp contraptions to hold as much ice and beer as humanly possible. Even with this amount, someone will undoubtedly have to make another ice run halfway through the day.

200 Bottles of Taaka

Everyone has their cheap vodka from college, but mine was Taaka. My friends and I would play our favorite game “Pass the Taaka” which involved passing a plastic handle of Taaka around in a circle until there was a significant dent in it and/or someone threw up.

The Natty Light is great but some girls are priming for bikini season and won’t want to drink beer. You also need a fresh shot every few beers just to keep things from getting too stale. On top of that, you will need to take the party to the next level with an…

Ice Luge

100% of the time, the ice luge is worth the money. They can last a shockingly long time, even in the Carolina heat and they just bring the juice. At a rager like this one, you will probably have multiple ice luges in fact. A sophisticated ice luge has two paths that converge at the end so you can pour some mixer on one side and Taaka on the other and get a mixed shot in your mouth at the end (no Diddy).

Firetruck

Despite the obscene amount of alcohol purchased, you have a lot of leftover cash with a $100,000 budget. That is why you need something that separates your rager from other ragers that came before. In roughly 30 seconds of research, I found this old firetruck that costs just $15,000.

This idea came to me because this was legitimately a massive debate at one point in my own fraternity. There was an actual vote (that was very close) on buying a firetruck for our tailgate. Unfortunately, the nerds won out in the end and we didn’t get the firetruck but these bros have no reason not to pull the trigger on it.

Live Music

You have roughly $23,000 left after these other purchases and you might as well go all-in on the best live music possible. For your average tailgate, some good speakers and a great Spotify playlist can get you through. But for a party like this, having live music takes it to the absolute next level.

Normally, you’d have enough in the budget to get a student who’s an aspiring DJ, a townie rock band, or a budding rapper (I’ve witnessed all three). But for this event you have the budget to get a real celebrity. Here are some names I found that you can hire to perform at your party for $23,000 or less (according to a random website):

Umphrey’s McGee- this would legit be incredible

Chase Rice- I am not a fan but that genre of country plays at something like this

Blake Lewis- a former American Idol runner-up, are you kidding me??

Fountains of Wayne- they could just spin Stacy’s Mom on repeat

Waka Flocka Flame- I have somehow been to multiple college parties where Flocka performed and he never disappoints

Kiefer Sutherland- as far as I am aware he is not a musician at all but if he wants to stand on stage and do Jack Bauer lines for two hours, that sounds like a great party to me

Party Favors

It was a requirement to have free alcohol if you wanted to throw a great party, but one thing that I’ve never seen at a fraternity party is party favors. However, with this budget, there is no reason why everyone shouldn’t get to go home with something! In my mind, this is more of a party favor when you arrive rather than when you leave.

In my party favor, I’m tossing in Zyn, a vape, a water bottle, chapstick, and maybe some other extracurriculars that people like to partake in at parties. This will add a level of class that your guests will surely appreciate.

I’m sure the modern frat star can come up with way better ideas than me, but I couldn’t help but let my imagination run wild when I saw the numbies these boys were hitting. If you’ve gotten this far and thought I forgot to budget for food, no I didn’t. That won’t be necessary.