New Blogger, Who Dis: once upon a time (6 months ago) I was a regular blogger that delivered written word after a few vodka sodas, now I’m a corporate shill. So join me friends as I try to forget that I owe my boss three overdue reports and that I will be in the office at 6AM tomorrow.

I used to live in Youngstown: a place that has been described as the cradle of coaching and also as the armpit of America (both true). And as a man who once held an Ohio driver’s license, it’s such a shame that I have to write this blog about my Buckeyes, my Browns, my Bengals, my Bluejackets, and my Crew.

On Saturday, I watched in utter horror as my Buckeyes got spanked destroyed humiliated beat by the Boilermakers of Purdue. Surely it couldn’t be. This was an Ohio state university after all! Coach Urban had to have something covered up his sleeve! I watched in utter horror as my beloved Buckeyes went down 7-0. Before I knew it my Buckeyes were down 28-6 and I quietly wept into my Kent State alumni mug. But then, a glimpse of hope? A touchdown! This was it! This was where we turned it around! And then before I knew it my beloved Ohio state university was down 49-21 after a pick six.

Tragic. I quickly hopped on twitter dot com to tell some 19-year-olds that they were pieces of shit and that they had better win me a championship because that’s how normal adults cope with the loss of teams of schools that they haven’t attended. ALLEGEDLY, I sent many angry, bourbon-fueled texts that night, but they’ve since been deleted I have yet to see them.

As I awoke to the pandemonium of a London game that began at 8:30 AM CST, I quickly breathed a breath of fresh air, forgetting entirely that my Buckeyes had received THE ass-kicking of the year at the hands of a 3-3 B1G team that has produced more astronauts than National Titles, and remembering instead that my Browns, my Bengals, AND my Bluejackets played today! What a day!

After watching my beloved Browns and their many championships (these were won before the Super Bowl Era and totally count in conversation any time a Steelers fan is in the room) go up 2-0 on an early safety, we quickly fell to Jameis Winston’s squad 16-2.  Not great!  But all hope wasn’t lost.  In the second half, my Browns outscored the Bucs 21-7!  Hooray!  After a late touchdown by Nick Chubb and an extra point, it was all tied up with 2:28 to go.  The defense held tough and didn’t allow the Bucs to score, and so we’d be headed to OT!

Oh no…  the Browns had prior to this game been  0-2-1 in OT this season.  Surely this would be the game to turn it all around!  Surely not.  For those keeping score at home, that puts the Browns at 0-3-1 in OT this season.  Yikes.

Ah, but Aaron, the Bengals also play on Sunday!  The AFC North division leaders after a Baltimore loss on the day!  This was correct!  And with glee, I shoved my dumb face with diarrhea noodles Skyline chili and prepared for a thrilling Sunday Night game!

Still got it Cris!  I watched the smoothest cat in the game slide across my screen and settled in, forgetting entirely that the Bungles Bengals are 1-8 on Sunday Night Football under expert coach, totally deserving of every contract extension, Marvin Lewis.  And then 45-10 happened.  Pat Mahomes did what he does best and absolutely destroyed the Bengals on national television as the Cover City Chiefs pushed the Bengals to 4-3, tied for second in the AFC North behind the six-time Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers.  For those keeping score at home, this puts the Bengals at 1-9 on SNF under Lewis, coincidentally, the same range of numbers that a certain Bengals LB can count to.

Which brings us to Vontaze Burfict, who finished the night for a grand total of two tackles, one flop, one limp off the field, an uncountable number of dirty hits, and over $4 Million in fines over his career (more than his 2017 salary).  What an upstanding guy.

You hate to see it.

Oh, and let’s not forget that the Bluejackets lost 4-1 on Saturday, and the Crew lost 2-1 on Sunday.  Chin up Ohioans, Austin is pretty tight!