That’s right. That headline is 100% correct and there’s more to it.

This is the best headline I’ve seen in a long time and I knew I had to blog it myself when I saw it. There are so many levels to this story that it can’t be ignored. This poor kid was just trick-or-treating around his nice suburban Austin, Texas neighborhood when he rolled up to the house of Texas special teams coach Jeff Banks. Little did he know that he was walking into a zoo that would require the god damn JAWS OF LIFE to come in and pry a live monkey off of him. My only question is, was he wearing that banana costume that people love wearing in college basketball student sections? Because if so… he kind of had it coming. Now, let’s get more into the layers of this story.

That is Jeff Banks. Formerly the special teams coach at Alabama who moved to Austin to be on Sark’s staff this year. He also looks like the biggest strip club guy of all-time. That hair is slicked back, not pushed back (piece of shit). This man is such a strip club guy that he left his family for a stripper named the Pole Assassin.

He is maybe the first guy ever to think a stripper was in love with him and have it actually be true so props are due there I suppose. As you can see in those pictures she has been to the Alabama football offices, moved to Austin with her man, was a stripper on the Jerry Springer Show, and has a pet monkey that she brings on stage with her to strip (more on that later).

She also has a history of tweeting at recruits on behalf of her husband:

Since deleted tweet that said: “you look good in orange and white” to a high school recruit posting his final two schools that included Texas

Just phenomenal stuff. Now our dear Coach Banks doesn’t exactly have a past as a saint either. He was on the Texas A&M coaching staff before going to Alabama and was suspended from the staff there for presenting a slideshow full of sexual innuendos and sexist remarks to a crowd of A&M boosters. Here is one image from said presentation:

As you can tell, this couple is just a pair of winners and these legends decided to throw a little Halloween get-together as you can see from Mrs. Banks’ post on NextDoor from Sunday.

That’s where everything went wrong. Little Gia the monkey was clearly unhappy with one bystander (innocent child) and decided to protect his home. I mean does this look like the face of a monkey that would hurt someone that didn’t have it coming??

That’s what I thought.

This is one of the craziest stories I’ve seen in a while and I can’t wait to hear any updates that come because I’m sure there is even more to this saga than we know now. I just hope Gia isn’t punished for what her idiotic parents are responsible for. #JusticeForGia

UPDATE: Mrs. Coach Banks admits that the story is true but denies any fault in the incident! Spicy!

Since deleted tweets said that she was informed by a doctor that a kid was bitten by her monkey and he had to work on the finger but she was not aware until today. She also said the monkey was in the side yard behind a gate that had the below sign attached and the kid should have known better than to go back there.

As you can see here this is a sign that is permanent and has definitely always been there and there is no way it could have been put on this gate after the kid got bit and there is also no chance the monkey was out and about at the party and not it’s in cage because it’s not like it strips in crowded clubs.

Since deleted tweet that said: “The amount of babies she tear up it’s unbelievable,but she loves them even when they are torn Up / ( horns up)” with a picture of the monkey with a shredded up toy of some kind

Not gonna lie, this one is pretty damning, smh.

SECOND UPDATE:

Pole Assassin has deleted her Twitter account… I guess things weren’t going well in the replies and/or the husband and/or University stepped in here. Unfortunately, that means the embedded tweets are now gone so I have described them in their old place. More to come tomorrow.